Hiduplah dan Maknalah Hidup…

Lonely. I didn’t know why, in the crowd I felt so lonely. It was Saturday. The weather was hot for the sun burnt brightly over this place, a polluted center of Jakarta. I have walked quite a long way in this study tour with my classmates from the Introduction to British Culture class. I’ve passed the national monument with its gold peak, the Jakarta boulevard that has the foot prints of ex-Jakarta’s Majors instead of celebrities’ like the ones on the Hollywood boulevard, the Istiqlal mosque which supposed to be the biggest mosque in south-east Asia with its stinky artificial river and lots of merchants and Moslems who wanted to pray, selling merchandise, or just sleeping. Nothing impressed me but the blues from my Walkman and the girl walking in front of me. Impressing, physically attractive she was. Not bad for an illusion of oasis in the hot weather.

Illusions. Yes, nothing but illusions. She was illusion, even this life, and everything between them was illusion; human demands, love, hate, vengeance, justice. At least that was what I thought at that time. At least that was what I wanted them all to be. All these things sucked up the consciousness inside of me. It was quite a long while since I’ve drowned myself to a world of my own. Running from all my dilemmas in life, choosing not to choose for afraid of consequences, ignoring everything, doing nothing purposely, just did anything randomly. I was nothing but the books I read, the blues I heard and played, and the boosts I drank. Nothing existed for me but myself. No rules, no freedom, no God, nothing; until I visited that place. The place that I thought I can only imagine from books, the place that Christians adores although in the past that place was the center of doctrines and dogmas: the Cathedral Church.

It was a huge medieval building. I think all the stones and architecture was imported from Europe. There were so many people getting out of the building at the time when I got there. Maybe there had been a mass or some celebration. The building was about 30 meters tall, with its exterior formed by a relief of medieval pillars. I can sense the gothic atmosphere so thick. The interior? I think I have to tell you some things before we go to that part. What impressed me the most was the things happened there which other people might think as nothing special. The first thing happened was when an old man with thick beard and moustache, and a long hair came over me and offered a Jesus handicraft. What concerned me the most was his appearance: he looks exactly like Karl Marx whose picture I use to see in the philosophy books I’ve read. Imagine the ironic of that: Marx that used to criticized the bible, selling Jesus handicraft in front of a Cathedral Church.

“Would you like to buy this handicraft, boy?” he asked me. I was amazed. For a moment I thought I lost my mind. I thought my imagination has become one with my reality.

“No thanks…” I entered the church after turned my back on him. I was more amazed when I went inside the church. It was noon and the sun was shining so brightly outside, however, inside the church was so gloomy. Once I entered, there were lots of candles on two huge rectangular chandeliers, each can contained about 50 candles, burning on the right and left sides of the huge wooden door from which I entered. After each big chandelier there was statues of Virgin Mary and baby Jesus on the right side, and Jesus on the left side. There were some people praying there side to side to the chandelier. Facing the statues.

After that, I looked ahead and found an enormous hall. Its ceiling was so high, and the sculpture of the ceiling was like in a bat cave, with the gothic style: statues and the sculpture of plants on the pillars. The hall was full of long wooden chairs, with elbows holder that looked like a long table for people to pray. I walked between these chairs. Straight ahead, my lecturer was talking to the priest. On my right side, after passing about ¾ of the whole hall, I saw a podium that was put about 1,5 meters above the chairs. The podium stood like a cliff with the chairs underneath.

When I looked diagonally right, on the second floor that could be seen from where I stood, I found an enormous musical piano-like instrument with its huge pipes like the one in the medieval times. The one I used to see in classic movies like Bram Stoker’s Dracula. In front of me I saw a very bright altar. With a podium, candles, flowers, and a huge cross. On the left and right side of the podium, again, I found the statue of the Mother and the Son. I sat on the third row. After taking out my headphones, and observe my surroundings, I felt empty and unworthy. Just like the last time I prayed on a mosque, or finishing my Koran reading lesson. I envied the people there like I envied my parents, my friends, my Religious Koran teacher who like to pray, and every religious person I knew. For it seems like they spoke to God, and God to them but He/She never speaks to me. I have lost that feeling of mystic and melancholy in my prayers. God stops the peace in my heart as taking the focus out of me every time I pray. I’ve run to books and analyze the Koran; I found a few simple answers and a lot more of complicated questions.

But to heaven with all of that!! At least I can still find some aesthetic in life. I still can adore the architecture of this church, and the atmosphere in it. I still can enjoy the sounds of Adzan in the dawn. I still could found the girl sitting a few meters from me attractive. I still could found the proof of God creativity in her and in every combination of causalities in this world. However, I still reject the religion I used to take, or any other religion, for I find myself caught in dogmas and doctrines in them. I rather believe in my self and my God.

You see, the thoughts I’ve told you above were my conclusions. God didn’t speak to me in the mosque, in my prayers, or when I’m alone, but in a church. He made me conclude that he loves me by making me realize that I’ve got a lot of things that made the feelings of mystic and amazement to Him/Her occurred. I’m not saying I found God in this Church, since I stopped believing in religions (especially the Semite religions) when I found it contradictive to some things that I believe as the right things in life. Since I found no argument in proving god existence to Nietzsche, no matter how hard I tried to keep my faith. But then I found the glimpse of peace, and the meaningful thought and symbols or should I say, Omens. I found the reasons of my faith in my thoughts here; that Karl Marx has change his profession from Philosopher to Jesus Merchandise seller, that the beauty I saw in a girl, or the beautiful sound of blues and adzan, or every beautiful or awful things in my life was the proof of God existence; that there will be nothing beautiful if there’s nothing awful. So once again, Nietzsche was right, I should never believe in everything Zarathustra said!

Perempuan yang tak sempat kukenal lebih jauh

Mari kita berlari lagi diantara gedung-gedung tinggi menjulang dan mobil-mobil yang terjebak kemacetan ditengah kota. Bisingnya adalah suatu nyanyian, baunya adalah suatu keharuman. Mari kita hirup dalam-dalam polusi udara kota ini dalam gemerlap malam bukti kemapanan yang tersungkur dalam lubang kenistaan.

Mari, hanya kau dan aku, hanya kita berdua, dan kota ini kosong. Kita berlari lewat atas atap-atap mobil, buat mereka rusak dan kita tertawa riang. Seringai bulan tertutup kabut, entah asap, entah awan, adalah kebanggaan tersendiri pada ketuaan semesta. Kita masih muda dalam semesta yang tua maka nikmatilah perempuan tua yang bermake-up tebal ini. Lalu kita berhenti dan duduk-duduk di atap gedung kaca yang paling tinggi di kota ini.

Dengan ganja di tangan dan racun di paru-paru kau bertanya padaku, ”Inginkah kau menjadi tua?” dan aku menjawab, “Ya, aku ingin. Aku ingin merasakan tua lalu mati perlahan.”

“Kenapa?” tanyamu lagi kepadaku sembari menghisap lintingan, menutup mulutmu dengan telapak tangan dan menghisap asapnya dari hidung.

“Kenapa tidak,” kataku, “kalau aku bisa, aku malah ingin hidup seribu tahun lagi, seperti kata penyair yang hidupnya tak lebih dari dua puluh tujuh tahun itu.”

“Tidakkah kau menemukan hidup ini menjemukan, kawan?” katamu, “repetisi ini menyedihkan! Untuk orang-orang sejenius kita, sudah tertebak akan jadi apa pilihan-pilihan yang kita lakukan. Dunia sudah terbukti bobrok dan dialektikanya akan terus berjalan sampai akhir zaman yang entah kapan, tetapi pasti datang.”

“Darimana kau tahu pasti datang?”

“Akhir zamanku datang ketika aku mati. Kaupun begitu.”

“Aku bosan, tetapi nanti akan ada saat tidak bosan. Tidakkah kau merasa begitu?” kataku, “bagi dong..” aku minta sedikit batangan putih dari tangannya.

“Eit! Jangan ganggu orang yang lagi asyik.”

“Huh, perempuan kok suka nyimeng.”

“Emang kenapa kalo perempuan suka nyimeng? Aturan siapa? Tuhan? Pria yang berkontol dan ngikutin nafsunya sendiri ngapain diikutin.”

“Kau bicara sembarangan. Tak takut masuk neraka? Dikutuk baru rasa kau!”

“Human is already condemned! Dan kau dan aku sudah di neraka.”

“Aku sih ngeliatnya berkah.” Kataku sambil mengambil gelas berisi cairan hitam pekat dan meneguknya. Dia memperhatikan.

“Kau tahu,” katanya sambil mengambil gelas plastik dari tanganku, menuangkan plastik berisi cairan hitam berbau aneh, lalu melihat ke dalam gelas,”dulu aku pernah terbang di atas sebuah kota di timur.

“Kota itu indah sekali. Lebih indah dari kota kita ini. Di sana tak ada mobil, karena mobil-mobil sudah hangus terbakar. Tidak ada gedung lagi, yang ada cuma reruntuhan, tidak ada suara bising kota lagi, yang ada hanya dengungan sisa ledakan besar, sisa supernova diatas bumi. Dan yang paling menarik adalah, di sana tak ada orang, hanya ada hantu-hantu. Mereka merayap meratapi patung-patung karbon yang berceceran di jalan dan hanyut di sunga-sungai buatan ledakan yang berwarna biru pekat. Mereka sedang meratapi anggota keluarga dan teman-teman mereka yang tidak berhasil jadi hantu dan hangus dalam keindahan radiasi buatan.

“Lalu, tiba-tiba hujan turun. Para hantu yang tidak pernah merasakan air lagi sejak kematian mereka tersentak kaget. Karena air yang ini terasa begitu nikmat. Warna tetesan hujan itu hitam, seperti cairan pekat yang sedang kulihat ini dan sudah kau minum tadi. Mereka menengadah ke atas sebisa mereka. Yang sudah tidak bisa berdiri membalik badannya yang hitam terbakar dan membuka mulutnya, yang lain berdiri dan menganga. Mereka merasakan cairan pahit dan berbau anyir itu masuk kedalam tubuh mereka, menetes di wajah mereka, dan di kulit mereka yang sudah terkelupas. Lalu mereka mati perlahan-lahan. Hujan itu adalah penyembuh. Pemandangan yang begitu indah. Seandainya itu bisa terjadi di kota laknat ini.”

Aku diam dan berpikir, apa yang membuat kawanku ini begitu dendam pada peradaban.

“Aku dendam,” tanpa ditanya dia menjawab—apa dia bisa membaca pikiranku?—“karena keberadaanku dan kau berbeda, karena aku dibawah, karena kau diatas, karena mereka yang di atas merasa disayang oleh pria berkontol yang menciptakan dunia ini. Aku berkeluh kesah. Aku harap semua dunia dapat merasakan yang kurasakan dan kuharap mereka semua bunuh diri!!!”

Ia berteriak sambil membuang gelas yang masih penuh cairan hitam. Aku memeluknya, dan berkata, “Aku mencintaimu, dengan seluruh jiwa ragaku.” Aku berbisik padanya,”percayalah, aku tidak seperti mereka. Aku ingin merasakan apa yang kau rasakan. Aku ingin kau merasakan apa yang aku rasakan. Kalau kau ingin mati, aku ingin membuatmu ingin hidup, bahagia dan puas dalam masochisme ini. Kalau tidak bisa, kita tak perlu nyawa mereka, kau bisa bunuh diri bersamaku.”

Dia menangis dalam pelukanku, dan sambil berpelukan kami melayang. Di atas gedung itu kami melayang menuju bulan purnama yang bopeng dan penuh awan. Bulan yang tidak memakai make up tak perduli betapa bopengnya ia. Bulan yang tetap cantik dan bersinar dengan kejujurannya. Seperti kau, dan tidak seperti dunia yang terus dihias di wajah, tapi ditusuk-tusuk linggis di vaginanya. Aku dan dia terbang menuju angkasa tanpa batas, dan selama kami melayang, kota dan gedung-gedung perlahan menghilang, harumnya polusi menguap, lancarnya kemacetan dan hingar bingar kota tak terdengar, semua menjadi hampa dan kami tersenyum. Ternyata tak perlu bunuh diri untuk mencapai keabadian: surga nihilis.

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